Dear Z

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

Photo Credit: Instagram – @dailyharvest – “I Love You A Whole Lot – Don't You Seed It?”

“Thank-you God for such a beautiful day.  Please let it be a happy one at our house”

— — —

Dear Z, you came into my life (and heart) on a sunny spring day nine years ago.  A Saturday morning much like this one in fact.  A stop at the groomer, a quick trim of Wally's nails and then I'll be on my way.  Wait, now who is this cute little guy?

“An extra puppy from our latest litter.  He seems a bit, how do we say?  Slow”  

Two teenagers, one big career job, a new house, a rebuilding of a life

“Would you be willing to take him?  We know you'll give him a good home”

Their arms extended.  I accepted

Z – 12 Weeks Old – May 2008

Z – 12 Weeks Old – May 2008

Z – 12 Weeks Old – May 2008

You make me happy, when skies are grey

— — —

Little Z, you spilled happiness and joy into every area of our lives.  Like popcorn kernels exploding from a heated canister.

Around and around in circles, you went (always counter-clockwise).  This circling business?  It's something we were sure you'd out-grow.  Instead, it became your signature move.  For every step we took ..

you, my dear, took three

Time passed.  I rented the house, and moved away.  I maneuvered my way through wayward children.  I moved back, sold the house, meet my husband .. and began one of the happiest seasons of our lives

Through it all, you were you.  The happiest, kindest, most gentle soul anyone has ever known.  When we're tired, worried or anxious, you're always there with a smile, a snort, and a funny pug sneeze.  The sweetest spirit for cuddles, along with life lessons on perspective, perseverance, and vulnerability

“OK kid.  Your Dad took Harry and Sally to run errands.  Let's head out for a walk.  Now, what did I do with your leash?”

Your favorite little ledge.  You know the one, right after the tree that all the big dogs like to pee on?  That's hours of good sniffing right there.

When you hopped off this afternoon, I'm certain you were too excited to remember to put your feet out first.  Instead of landing as you always do, you hit your head.

A neighbor held you while I sprinted for the car

— — —

“Please God, I'll do anything.  Please God, just let him be ok”

Z – August 2016

Z with Baby Sam – September 17, 2016

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

— — —

Through it all, you always did your best to help out where you could

Nose wipes on the clean laundry?  Check

Best friend?  Check

Fridge clean-out?  Check. (Sure there's no extra cheese still left in there?)

Road trip?  Co-pilot at your service

Security.  Guarding the car at the grocery?  Keeping bunnies, squirrels and scary people at bay?  Check and check

Grandbabies to make smile?  Check

Dodging scary kitty cats?  Check

Nap time snuggler?  Check

Meet and greet at daycare?  Check

Big brother to 80 lb golden retrievers?  Check

Party animal?  Check

— — —

“Please God send Wally to help him pass to the other side.  I don't want him to feel alone or afraid”

Z – February 2015

Please don't take my sunshine away

It was just you and I on the drive to the hospital, little one.  I held you tight and went as fast as I possibly could.  Trying to stay calm, singing softly in your ear.  Knowing you were leaving this world, and telling me good-bye.

Not wanting it to be so

I sobbed in the waiting area, wishing I hadn't dropped my phone in the driveway.  Wishing I could think clearly enough to remember your dad's phone number. 2-3-0?  No, I'm sure it's 2-0-3.  I really have no idea

Soon he and I would walk together down the long hallway.  To the little room where we held you for the last time, gave you pets, said our final good-byes

Our hearts are breaking

— — —

“Thank you God, for giving him to me to love.  I hope I made you proud”

It's well into the wee hours of the morning as I type.  I'm snuggled, as I always am, under our favorite blanket.  The corner by my feet (his spot) is empty.  His soft snoring, silent.  His collar on my pillow.  Instinctively, I reach out to pet him and

he isn't there

Even though I know we'll be together again, for today, I so desperately want to have finished our walk

It's as simple, and as impossible, as that

“Love says ‘I love you.'

I love you if you're in China.  I love you if you're across town.  I love you if you're in Harlem (or Heaven)

I love you

I would like to be near you. I would like to have your arms (paws) around me. I'd like to hear your voice (bark) in my ear.  But that's not possible now.

So I love you .. and it's ok .. to go”     ~ Maya Angelou